I didn’t like the idea of losing my hair again, because it had finally all grown back, and it was long! The doctors at first told me that I would only need radiation done to my entire body (excluding my spine and brain)and that I would only lose the hair below my earlobes. But after one year of radiation (and severe sickness) new tests came back that showed the cancer had moved around my spine (clever little devil) and I needed aggressive CHEMO for one whole year to stop it!
I lost ALL my hair–and I would actually go on escort calls wearing wigs! It was awful because I was bald, not to mention VERY sick- but I had to pay my cancer bills! I would have to take care of my client and then run to the bathroom and vomit afterwards, trying to hide the tears the whole time.
You would think a girl like me would have “woken” up, finally! Nope. I continued to work despite how sick I was. After all, I had to PROVE to everyone and myself that I could MAKE IT without anyone’s help… that I could take care of this little girl and she would be all right!
Why wasn’t this lifestyle working for me? I will tell you why! The more I let men “buy” me in exchange for sexual favors, the more I saw that they were only after one thing–my body…just like a piece of meat for sale with a UPC code on it. Not my mind, not my spirit, not who Annie was, but “Fallen,” the fallen angel.
I even fell into my client’s way of thinking, that if I gave people that I loved money they would love me back! (Not sexually, either;) So, in a sense, I too became the “trick.” Hence my reason for having my pimp and numerous “boyfriends” that allowed me to work. But did they REALLY love me? Did they really have my future welfare in mind? Did they think this lifestyle was okay to be in? If so, then why wouldn’t they REALLY take me out of it?
What it REALLY got down to was this: what was everyone’s HIDDEN AGENDA? Were they being nice to me because they wanted something from me–my body–or my money??? No one wanted the REAL Annie, the girl who had hopes and dreams, the girl that was intelligent–the girl that was a singer, an artist, a friend, a daughter, and a little girl. This brought me such a feeling of emptiness that I was so desperate to fill!
Then something very tragic happened… my sister died at the very young age of 31 (she was my BEST friend!) my Uncle Richard died, my Grandpa Osgar died, and my dad had cancer–all within a period of five months! So as you can imagine, I was pretty mad at God and I wasn’t sure if he was even real. When I say I was mad, I mean, I was angry…and not sure if I would make it. I thought “why would he put me through all this if he really loves me?”
I then started to feel so guilty and thought that I was being “punished” for living the lifestyle that I chose… I thought that I actually deserved having cancer. I felt so sorry for myself. I felt that no one wanted to take care of me–no one even cared that I was sick. That thought made me even MORE rebellious and I thought that everyone “owed” me something. So I kept working because I didn’t want to come out of prostitution with nothing to show for it. (Could that be pride?)
Believe it or not, after I was cured of the cancer, I started doing drugs. You would think that I would have had enough pain and shock by experiencing cancer! To tell you the truth, there was a type of pain inside me that was far worse than the physical pain of being sick. My heart was breaking, my will to keep fighting was dying, and the repetitive abuse of verbal, physical and sexual assault was catching up with me as I was an escort! At first I did pain killers that were prescribed to me for cancer and back pain. I did not consider myself addicted, for I was taking what was only allowed by each prescription…right???
As my mind and body started to become altered and “numbed” for the pain, my proud claim of “I would NEVER do drugs!” became a lie! I was then tempted with the drug even the DEVIL himself does not want–COCAINE!!! Even though I was flat out against it for all of my life, I decided to try it because of a dare at a girlfriend’s birthday party. I was INSTANTLY addicted! That led to other things on a DEEPER DOSE and level–pain pill addiction, (OXY-CONTIN, LORCETS, LORTABS), somas, Xanax, valium, METH, smoking, and drinking. I became a gambleholic eventually because of the excessive drugs–I could never gamble sober! I would sit at the casinos after work and “zone out” on a poker machine for hours… sometimes days, trying to “win” my money back. Pretty soon it carried over into work; I no longer could work the escort services sober. I ALWAYS had to do a line or pop pills before I walked into a room. So I would work, make money, give it all away. Day in and day out–this was a road that had no end that I could see.