Who was “Fallen” you ask? It was the name I picked as a stripper and escort girl. When you work in the sex industry you are told that you need a “dancer” name to seperate yourself from your private life. Little did I know that “FALLEN” was slowly going to “take over” my ENTIRE life.
Nightmare clients??? No, way, that only happens in movies!!! At first I thought I was invincible… that nothing or no one could ever hurt me. After all, I worked for a “high class” escort service, right? Well it wasn’t true and I had to find out the hardest way possible… for my first of many rapes as a call girl was by gunpoint. Many times I was tied up, kept hostage, beat into submission. This should scare a girl, right? Well it did more than you can imagine–I started to really feel terrified and paranoid every time I knocked on the door of a new client. I even feared that the next door that would open to my knocking would be my last! I had so much anxiety because of this!!!
Sex for money is NOT pleasurable, it is NOT fun, us girls DO NOT enjoy it–in fact there were many times I just wanted to hurt the man that was touching me! This is why it was easy for me to be a dominatrix… I had to be the best actress all of time just to make sure I got paid–men actually thought I enjoyed what I did. How could men think this? It was a flat out LIE! This is SEXUAL ABUSE in its worst form–a jail cell of your mind. When you are with so many men day in and day out… the job of escorting becomes your own “personal” prison.
Many times I just wanted to die when I went to sleep at night after I worked, I felt so dirty, sleazy–I felt had no way out–because…who would actually RESPECT me or let alone LOVE ME if they found out what I did for a living?
NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE knew what I did for a living except for my associates that were also “call girls”. So I kept it my secret of being an escort the WHOLE time I was in it. Even the limelight tempted me…but because of the shame associated with sex for money I would not submit to it. Many times during the porn conventions the porn producers would call the escort services and ask me to “make a porno”….but I never did it because I wanted to keep my “escort lifestyle” VERY hush hush.
As I hid in the “underworld” of Las Vegas, my SELFISH desires to feel better drove me to do things that I would have NEVER done otherwise–had I not been so deeply injured and full of anger on the inside. I wanted to get back at men somehow…and if I could “use” them like they “used” me, I thought this would make things EVEN for my pain. We sometimes do crazy things just to block what we are feeling… Devastation!! Guilt!! Pain!! But mostly SHAME!!!