No one told me that I would have to lie about how I felt inside. Because I was striving so hard for success and love, in order to remain strong…
I put on a MASK.
I had to wear it continually… pretending everything was “okay.” My belief was that if I just put on a pretty smile, everything would be alright. But it wasn’t. I kept burying my pain deep inside me. I just kept searching and experimenting, no matter WHAT the cost.
I might not look like it, but I did it ALL, I tell you the truth! Prostitution, (street & high class call girl) exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions–yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME… just to name a few…
I first got “turned out” in Hawaii, then went back to work in Minnesota as an escort, then an exotic dancer, and eventually that led me to Las Vegas, where the temptation of even BIGGER money tugged at my desires. I thought I could go to Vegas and get in and out quick… leave with my fortune so I could finally go to music college (never could afford it). Little did I know what would REALLY happen with the choice that I had just made. I was in for the most dangerous ride of my ENTIRE life. What was intended to be six months turned into a NIGHTMARE lifestyle of over 11 long years…
You have to remember that ANYTHING out of balance will destroy you…and this was a life that I had PERSONALLY chosen (sex, drugs, and rock n roll) because I wanted to fill that “emptiness” inside of me. Why would a girl like me from Minnesota choose this way of living? Simple…I was in complete rebellion of the hurt that I had experienced earlier in my life. No one “twisted” my arm! My intense hunger for love and need for “revenge” would eventually consume me like a fire…
The allure and the “illusion” of the Las Vegas lifestyle of glamour, money, and sex had pulled me in the first moment I stepped off the plane. The “strip” looked so enticing and exciting…and the way that each casino flashed with sparkling lights on the outside beckoned at me with a voice saying, “Come in, Annie and find what you have been missing!!!” With all the elaborate lighting, gambling, and even the thought of the possibility of meeting a very wealthy client that would “rescue” me… well, I COULDN’T RESIST IT!!!
Be honest…we all want to be “Pretty Woman” like Julia Roberts and have a prince come take us away, right?
Here is the truth: I never started out completely hating this industry… in fact, I actually loved it at first because it gave me a sense of security–it made me feel glamorous and powerful. There was a certain “honeymoon” phase that I went through as a high-class call girl. The money, presents, parties, traveling, dinners, famous people calling… I literally got lost in the “hype” of the moment! After all, everyone wants that “bling bling” lifestyle, right???
Pop culture teaches us that “SIN” is glamorous…and I fell for it…hook, line and sinker. But… everything that is superficially attractive has a “hidden” evil.
Here is the OTHER truth people don’t want you to hear… that “glamorous” lifestyle took its toll on me, and that sense of security that I had… it turned out to be FALSE and I started slowly falling apart. Even though I looked like on the outside I had everything I ever wanted… inside of me was dying.
It was a continued fantasy of mine that I needed to “make it” and prove everyone wrong!!!
My mask would just get thicker…I would make money, give it away thinking it would buy me love, and then when that didn’t work I would buy myself material things so I could feel “important” and “loved” on the inside. This went on for many years… and guess what? If I DID get that happy feeling it was only temporary…and then it started to turn into deep sadness because I knew no matter what I did to make myself “feel” better, it just wasn’t working!
I can’t tell you how many nights I slept “alone” with a man in my bed. No one knew my secrets, my pain, and my inner shame. So in the end I hated being a prostitute and exotic dancer–and no matter what people will tell you about that lifestyle, it really does rip you apart until you have absolutely NOTHING left–and, you will lose your soul in the process!
Without even realizing it, I had become a slave to the sex industry… but no one at the time could point that out to “Fallen” (me), for she had made the choice to do it on her own.