In high school it was considered “cool” to have sex. Even though this seemed true I still was a virgin at 18. It did not last long, for my boyfriend at that time convinced me that if we had sex we would become so much closer and he would “love” me more. I was 18 years old and knew NOTHING about the consequences of sex before marriage! I only slept with him because I didn’t want to lose him! I loved this man and wanted to get married…but unfortunately he had an appetite for other woman and we broke up. Why did he lie to me??? I didn’t get it! I was DEVASTATED!!! I remember coming home after the break up, crying uncontrolably to my mother, and she said to me, “Annie, you wear your heart on your sleeve.” I wanted to kick him to the curb because…MY HEART WAS BROKEN! I was angry and hurt.
It was at that moment I decided to REBEL!!!
When you are brokenhearted with a will to “REBEL” what is your definition of love? My self-worth was defined by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people–people with issues just like mine. You get the picture–PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking/drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town–listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading “fashion” magazines.
Believe it or not, this MEDIA–POP CULTURE and lifestyle I embraced had such a HUGE influence on me!
I was the “PARTY GIRL!” This is when the first of many rapes happened… In the process I became even more hurt, bitter, angry, rejected, LONELY, but most of all, more desperate to find the TRUTH.
I was always chasing just to belong, hungry for acceptance, just to be loved. When I gave my self sexually to men, for that brief moment, I felt “wanted” and “needed”… but if you told me I was beautiful, I wouldn’t believe you. I didn’t see that when I looked in the mirror. I saw a rejected tramp with a broken heart.
Rejection??? This HURT!!!
So I took POP CULTURE’S PILL…I wanted to try it and see if it really was as “cool” as the TV, music videos and movies portrayed it to be!!! The way that it was presented in the media…if you didn’t do what everyone else was doing—-by following the “styles” and “trends” and “lifestyle choices” -you would be considered a “prude or a “weirdo nerd”!
With my already damaged self-esteem…I wanted to avoid this type of rejection at ALL costs…
I swallowed it WHOLE…