I couldn’t take it anymore!!!
This “illusion” of materialism, success and sexual desire had finally gotten the best of me…and I snapped.
I literally HATED who I had become!!!
I had given up. I knew no matter what I did, nothing mattered to me anymore. I didn’t care what happened to me… I just wished that I could “fade” into nonexistence. I had so much pain, ANGER, shame, GUILT and regret in my life that I just wanted to erase it! So literally took it too far–I overdosed on cocaine, alcohol, Xanax, pain pills, and somas one night. I took a hit of cocaine and I thought I was going to die; the pain in my chest was so scary–as I fell to the ground all I could see was my life flashing before me. I was in TOTAL DARKNESS, no light, no sound–just me and the feeling of real death. My ears were ringing really loud… the aloneness crept in like a black blanket–I had NEVER been so scared in all my life, it was literally HELL!
I was frozen, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t see. I was separated from everyone I had ever known, even the presence of God. I was waiting in anxiety for the flames to appear…I instinctively could only say the name of Jesus from my lips… “Jesus, I am sorry!!!” “Jesus. please, Jesus forgive me!” I thought, “NOOOO!! I can’t die like this, Jesus, if you are real, please give me another chance!!!” Now I had prayed this prayer before ONLY IN EMERGENCY and always wondered why God didn’t always hear me…and here was the difference–I REALLY MEANT IT THIS TIME. There was no more CRYING WOLF!!! As the sirens rang out from the ambulance, I prayed to Him that if He saved me I would tell the whole world about His salvation and who He is. Well, Jesus came to my rescue…
THE MASK WAS BROKEN AND CAME OFF!!!
That girl I used to be? –“FALLEN”– SHE DIED THAT DAY!!!
Finally, my prayer was answered and REAL TRUTH was being revealed to me for the FIRST time in my life!
Shortly after I overdosed on cocaine, my dear friend Al that got me out of the prostitution game noticed that I was watching Joyce Meyer on TV… to be honest with you I was so drawn to her teachings… they spoke LIFE into my spirit. So that Christmas he bought me a few of her books. I started reading the Bible and her books and really getting filled with the truth… and the defining moment came when I heard Joyce say to the TV audience, “God loves you” and my heart completely melted!
WHAT? You mean, God loves ME????!!! After ALL THAT I HAVE DONE??? He’s not MAD at me??? AND I will have eternal life on top of it???
“Yes, Annie. I love you…and there is NOTHING that will separate you from my love again.” And for the first time in my life, I could really hear God’s voice speaking to me…as tears welled up in my eyes I got on my knees before the tv…
This was incredible! I never knew this…that God loved me…because NO ONE ever told me these wonderful words before! Those very words struck a chord in me and stayed with me day and night. Then I did something back then I would have considered crazy, I ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVE TO BELIEVE IT! It is then that my walk with God became so much deeper than just the desperation of the overdose. I decided to take the leap of faith and completely dedicate my ENTIRE life to Him… JESUS.
I surrendered it, finally… all pain, all the disappointments, all the lies, all the shame… ALL THE GUILT!!! Because trying to get better on my own WAS NOT WORKING. Guess what? I never turned back because…
I finally found the TRUTH, and it was not in some man, materialism, drug or fantasy. It is in a man that will never leave you nor forsake you. He is faithful, merciful, graceful, kind, but most of all he loves me for ME and NOT who I used to be!
He loves us unconditionally, and it doesn’t MATTER where we have been and how many wrong things we may have done. So you ask yourself, what kind of person could forgive the mess I’ve made???
His name is Jesus Christ. When I CHOSE to fully believe that He died in place of ME for my sins…it literally blew me away. WOW. HE REALLY DIED FOR ME??? NO WAY!
This sounded too good to be true…but because I had tried everything else, I decided to believe simply because I had nothing else to lose!
He is so merciful, full of grace and love. He just wanted a relationship! BUT THE ONLY WAY HE FINALLY GOT MY ATTENTION WAS BECAUSE I HAD NO WHERE TO GO–I HAD TO FACE DEATH IN THE FACE TO KNOW THAT HE WAS THERE.
Jesus wanted me reach out to Him for help so He could finally show me His unconditional love–there were “no strings” attached. He also showed me something I was in need of desperatly–FORGIVENESS, and because of that I could finally forgive others.
Blinded by my own pity, I realized where most of my pain was centered. It was in MYSELF…the failures, the regrets, the GUILT!!! I thought, if Jesus could forgive me, then could I possibly forgive myself? So I did it !!!
I forgave myself for all the terrible things that I had done, and the yoke of bondage and guilt was “lifted” from my back.
Do you know what??? It is a CHOICE people!!! You will be FREE if you decide to not listen to the devil’s lies anymore and you choose to FORGIVE others, but mostly YOURSELF!!!