I, like most people, didn't think that I was a bad person. Didn't think that I was an "evil sinner". I wasn't as bad as most people; I thought. There were people living life more evil than I was.  I thought I was just about good enough to get myself into heaven. God was a "loving" and "forgiving" God right? He'd overlook my 'petty' transgressions right? I mean I generally got along with everyone. Tried not to wish harm on anyone. Didn't have any enemies that I knew of. I felt pity for homeless people, would give them a buck or some change when I had it. I was generally courteous, opened doors for old ladies and attractive females.  I thought I was a pretty "righteous" dude!

    Along with being "righteous" around people. I drank profusely on regular occasions. Smoked that strong weed, "Chronic" when I could afford it, cheap Mexican dirt weed when I couldn't. After I broke up with my last girlfriend I was shacked up with I took to smoking marijuana most nights of the week. At first, I didn't think that I was a "pot head", then after awhile I reveled in the fact that yeah, I was a pot head. Killing brain cells, as well as my short term memory,  was a "cool" way to relieve the "stress" of my life. Helped me sleep in peace... Heck, most of the time I slept as if in a coma. Smoking weed was a crutch to help me temporarily feel elated and forget the low depressing life I was starting to live. At a younger age I would never buy weed myself, eventhough I smoked it. I would get "hooked up" by friends. I was too scared to buy it myself. Marijuana has become so mainstreamed, nowadays I could get it almost anywhere, across the street from home, at work, even online. Wasn't hard to find. After awhile, I had friends that would call up asking if I needed to put an order in and what quality I could afford at the time. Marijuana is a 'social' drug. To me it was fun to do alone, and fabulous to do as a group. I even think I turned someone close to me into a pot head just because I didn't want to do it alone most times. No fun being a loser alone. I knew drinking and smoking were bad for my health, yet I still did it. I thought I was a pretty "righteous" dude. Ya mon!

    I loved collecting porn on my computer. Internet porn was the driving force behind me getting into the computer networking field back in the day. The urge to get free porn inspired my desire to learn more about computers and the Internet. I was fascinated by naked women. Even with having girlfriends in sexual relationships, I still had a massive stash of porn. With all this sexual stimulation, I masturbated regularly to relieve my sexual frustration. I made myself to think it was something else to do to relieve the "stress" of my daily life. The girlfriends, as I mentioned, I lived with along with their children, (because I felt "why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?" I was all about getting that "milk" too, wooo buddy!!! Getting that "milk" ruled my mind). When I wasn't living with women and sleeping with them, I was contemplating ways to bed as many as I could, lusting in my mind all the time. I thought it was natural for a man to constantly think of sex. Figured God programmed men that way. Why men always talk about sex like it was a sport, "scoring". Why we bought nice cars and fancy clothes, just to get someone to have sex with us. Having "sex" is displayed everywhere as the norm it seems like. I was a big fan of sex; safe sex, straight sex, freaky sex, strange sex, online sex, multi-player sex. Going to the local liquor store to get my favorite smut mag was normal to me. This addiction to sex affected my relationships with women because I associated sex with love. I figured if my woman wasn't giving me the "milk" on a regular basis that she didn't love me and that I needed to find my "milk" elsewhere. I was also a firm believer in the myth that men could totally separate love from sex. I had no idea of what real love was. My idea of love was a selfish feeling, where I was the center of focus. If I wasn't "making love" regularly, I didn't feel loved. After my last relationship, I decided to look for 'fast love'. Sex with no ties. Sex with no responsibility. Sex with none of the real love I desired. Just the physical act, which I thought would fill the hole in my soul till 'Miss Right' came along. I even started searching for sex partners online, and bragged about how easy it was to meet women there. I was a big, red-blooded sexual dynamo, so I thought. I thought I was a pretty "righteous" dude!

     Back to computers and the Internet. My computing skills turned me into a super thief! I didn't buy any music or software for years. Was able to get full length bootleg movies "free" from some shady areas on the Internet. You could find all the resources you needed online to download to your heart's content. And why not I thought? Wasn't everyone doing it? Every song you ever wanted is available on the internet. Big expensive software programs are out there, with the anti-piracy mechanisms removed. I even taught other people how to get things "free" themselves. I mean think about it, if the average person always found money, they knew they didn't earn, just laying around, they would eventually pick it up and put it in their pockets. Whether they knew whose it was or not. That's what pirate downloading is like. I knew it was wrong. I knew I hadn't paid for any of these items, and was genuinely afraid of being caught since I had so much pirated stuff. Had nightmares every now and then of the "Feds" busting down my door and arresting me. Finding all my pirated stuff, all my porn and telling all the newspapers about it. Being in the computer industry, I knew they could find me out someday if they looked. Yet I still did it. It was like I couldn't help myself. Yet I thought I was a pretty "righteous" dude!